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Tenderness, according to my definition, is a feeling of agreement and gratitude that results from constructive communication with another being. While sex is a vehicle that may bring people to a state where they have the well-being necessary to communicate in a constructive way, it is only that—a vehicle. It is not the end result. The feelings of agreement and gratitude come about when two people are able successfully to work through blocks and thus make themselves truly vulnerable to one another. Only to the extent that we can make ourselves completely vulnerable to another person and experience the security and comfort of doing so, can we experience the joy of true tenderness. This means being able to risk sharing all our feelings with somebody—beginning with the darkest negatives and ending with the brightest positives— and having that risk pay off.

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“Oh, you’re sweating. Let me wipe your brow.” “Thanks.”

“Am I submissive enough, dear?” “You’re acting like a witch.” “Because the Lord said I’m cursed.” “I suppose so.” “Are you enjoying it, dear?” “Yes, I’m enjoying it!” “Anything else I can do?” “Shut up and fuck me!”

“Oh, dear. What language! After we’ve just had the Lord bless this sacred bed.”

“I said shut up and fuck me!”

If the husband becomes upset, the wife should drop the game and attempt to discuss what has happened and what kind of feelings the game has brought up. Or the husband might find himself becoming more aroused than usual and yelling, “Slut! Witch! Devil!” as he loses complete sexual control of himself. In this case, the discussion should be had as soon as possible after orgasm. The game will help both husband and wife to become aware of how religious excesses have impeded their sexual relationship.

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Players: Wife and obscene phone-caller. Activist: Husband. Setting: Telephone.

Aim: To direct anger into an erotic channel not as threatening as direct bodily contact.

Game Plan: This game is designed for angry wives who nevertheless retain a sense of humor.

One evening, when the husband knows the wife is home alone, he calls her up and surprises her by talking dirty. He may or may not want to disguise his voice at first.

“Hi there, doll. How’re you doing?”

“How’re you doing yourself. Who’s this?”

“This is your mystery caller.”

“My mystery caller?”

“That’s right. What are you wearing right now?”

“That’s none of your business. Is this you, Henry?”

“I told you, this is your mystery caller.”

“It’s you. I know it’s you. What are you up to?”

“I’ll bet you have a great body, doll. I think I’d like to see you naked. I think I’d like to run my hand inside your panties. Would you like that?”

“Go to hell.”

“I’m getting hard just talking to you.” “Now, cut that out!”

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In order to avoid getting into the controversy about the shifting definition of perversity, I refer here only to sexuality in which symbolism predominates over authenticity and in which hate, fear, humiliation, envy, and guilt (rather than love and tenderness) permeate the sexual act. Hence I am writing about the sexual relations of perverse couples that are comprised of immature, symbolic reenactments of some parent-child trauma, and whose sex is replete with rituals of punishment, revenge, degradation, appeasement, submission, and defiance—not about here-and-now adult dyads between mature and independent people.

Perverse couples play sexual games all the time, but their games are not truly therapeutic. They become swingers, compulsively swapping partners with other couples; they cross-dress with one another and with other couples; they play dominance and submission games, using such various paraphernalia as black leather belts, whips, and chains; they have sex in public places, in trains, and in airplanes; they engage in indiscriminate orgies; and they will experiment with threesomes, and even with using dogs or farm animals as objects. These games are gratifying to many of their players in much the way that drinking a glass of whiskey may be gratifying— but they aren’t therapeutic: Like whiskey, they have side effects and are ultimately toxic to the body.

The following games are variations of some of the common themes of perverse couples, but with twists designed to bring about insight, resolve perverse fixations, and facilitate a more profound, authentic form of sexuality and relating.

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Players: Husband, wife, and authority figure. Activists: Husband and wife. Setting: Home or resort.

Aim: Exaggerate orderliness in the sexual realm so as to underline the lunacy of such orderliness.

Game Plan: In this game there is a third player—an authority figure (or if necessary a book or cassette) serving to instruct the couple on the virtues of having a simultaneous orgasm. A therapist, physician, or friend can play the authority, or the couple can use a book—perhaps even this book—to serve in that capacity. Basically, what the authority does is encourage husband and wife to attempt simultaneous orgasms, suggesting that they are the key to both a better sex life and an improved relationship. As a matter of fact, if they play this game and do attempt to have simultaneous orgasms, they will achieve those goals. So the therapist, doctor, or friend can actually meet with the couple and confidently say something like:

“I recommend that the two of you try to have a simultaneous orgasm. This may take a while—and, given the state of your present sex life, it may seem impossible. In fact, it may seem impossible for either of you to achieve orgasms, period. However, if you work at it in a scientific way, you can accomplish it. Each time you have sex, you should each pace yourself and keep your sexuality under control, so that neither of you races ahead of the other. You can do this by each attaching an arm monitor that constantly checks your pulse and blood pressure.

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